Self-Love is an Ongoing, Active Process

A recent trip to a cosmetics counter reminded me that self-love is an ongoing, active process.

“I’m looking for a new liquid foundation. I want something light. Not too much coverage.” I say to the woman working at a popular cosmetics counter.

She leans in and examines my face. “You have uneven skin tone. It’s darker in certain areas.”

I’m taken aback by her comment, because my skin has always gotten compliments. “I’m not good about remembering to wear sunscreen.” I laugh.

“You really should.” She squints her eyes while staring at my face.

All of a sudden, I’m acutely aware of my unkept brows. But what’s a girl to do when her aestician is on vacation?

Her stare drops to the rest of me. I tidy the loose hairs falling out of my ponytail. “I just got out of yoga class.” I feel the need to explain.

I guess I could have worn a nicer top. I think to myself.

I tell the woman the name of a foundation that was recommended to me for everyday wear at work.

“Where do you work?” She asks as she searches for the foundation and some makeup sponges.

“I’m a teacher.”

She smirks. “It must be nice having summers off.”

I think about telling her that I typically work or take courses during the summer. And that as part of my morning routine, I read education related articles or watch videos to give me new insights into my teaching practice. I think about telling her that I’ve been collaborating with colleagues to plan our upcoming school year. But I don’t.

“I’m grateful.” I smile.

I sit down in front of a brightly lit mirror and look at myself while she collects the make-up supplies she’ll use to test the foundation on me.

I like my skin, my yoga outfit works perfectly for me, and being an educator is hard work. I put the best parts of my heart and mind into serving students. It can be draining. And I love it.

A younger me might have bought the foundation from this salesperson and then gone to Lululemon to buy some new yoga gear.

But not now. I know my worth. And I actively remind myself when I forget.

My on-going self-love practice includes: praying, saying positive affirmations, eating healthy, and physical activity. It also includes setting boundaries. I understand my emotional limits. I know what I won’t accept. I also choose not to be around people who bring me down.

“I’ve changed my mind. I’ve gotta go.”

As I leave, a group of teenage girls approach the woman at the cosmetics counter. I want to tell them to go somewhere else and hope they’ve learned how to love themselves.

Educators know that effective instruction is key to student success. Sometimes, I think parents think our instruction is limited to what they consider to be core subject areas: Language, Math, and Science. I wonder if they realize how much time we spend on intentionally working with students on their social development which includes self-love. We know that our students’ learning won’t be optimal unless they’ve developed self-love as this is tied to their mental health and well being.

Practicing self-love helps to combat stereotype threat, a concept that educators are aware of. People create negative stereotypes about groups that are different from them. According to Claude Steele, professor emeritus of psychology at Standford University, stereotype threat occurs when people of a stereotyped group start to internalize and believe the negative stereotypes which are being attributed to them. It’s a contributing factor in racial and gender gaps in academic performance and career progression. Everyone experiences stereotype threat in some form. Strengthening one’s self-worth can help, by fostering a positive self-concept.

I think parents try to help their children develop self-love, but struggle to practice it themselves.

For my cousin Mona, who is married with three young boys, self-love can look different than it does for me. This is especially true as her and her husband balance the busyness of back to school and extra-curricular activities with her boys. Her practice includes: putting her boys “on pause” so that she can put herself “on play” and get a few minutes to think; instituting quiet independent reading time for the family, so that she too gets to enjoy a book; and going to the gym or working out at home. Her practice also includes learning to stop feeling guilty about making time for herself, to accept help, and to let things go.

We chat about how our mothers are learning to make time for self-love. We can see that after decades of serving others, it’s a concept that doesn’t come naturally to them. We’re happy when they get together with friends and take breaks for nature walks.

I’m gearing up for another school year with my new liquid foundation. It doesn’t cover up my uneven skin tone. And I don’t want it to.